*Quick note: I was trying out a new mic this week that caused waaaay more static. I recommend listening to the podcast as I was able to clean that audio up.
How many of you have something you need to talk to a friend, spouse, or coworker about that will serve that relationship and make it better? Yep, all of us. However, many times we avoid those hard conversations, or even worse let them fester in our minds an haunt us for days to months on end. One thing I always push others to do is to have those difficult talks, because no matter what happens, you won't be left wondering. Today we talk about some people skills in general, and go over a common conflict resolution framework to help you have that difficult conversation. Finally, we end with a bit about influence and persuasion. Enjoy!
The main topics we discuss...
My fuel is the deep conversations with you about these topics. Please take a moment to chime in on social, say "Hi," and let me know what you think. It would mean the world to me. All of my social media links are at the top and bottom of the site.
This weeks recommendation is Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards. This book does a great job of organizing all the basics on body language, and communication in ways that are easy to understand and apply. It covers everything from the first five minutes of a conversation, to the first five days, with tips about leadership, relationship building, and a bit about romance.
The following is the full transcript of this episode of The Steven Zavertnik Show. Please note that this episode, like all SZS episodes, features Steven speaking unscripted and unedited.
Welcome to the show. I'm Steven Zavertnik. Each week we take a personal and professional development topics, pull it apart, and distill it down to give you practical mindset tools and applications for your own life towards you can be unstoppable. Today is the final episode in our HPX mini series.
Those of you just joining us, HPX is Brendon Burchard's. Event, high performance experience. That was in the middle of February in San Diego. And so we've been kind of doing a recap of that event from my perspective here on the showed to give you guys some of the tools that were imparted. They're really powerful and really helpful in your own lives, especially now.
And so this final episode here is the big one. It's all about people's skills. Now this is just going to be a quick. Less than we're going to cover conflict, revel resolution today. Excuse me. And that's only one small piece. We covered a lot in the actual seminar. There's a lot on influence, a lot on persuasion, some role plays that we got to see during some Q.
And. A. There's just a lot to this because we're a species that thrives in community, and so we deal with people all the time. Whether you. Or a self proclaimed, you know, people person or a self proclaimed, I hate people person. You have to deal with people to survive in the society we live in, that's, it's ingrained into our biology.
So we're going to cover a lot more of the in-depth topics and other content and other episodes in the future already. So I wanted to pull this one apart, especially now. Because we still have covert 19 going on and it's in the U S continuing to get worse. And so again, there's the take a moment just to remind you guys to stay safe.
Take that seriously. I know it's not easy for me being at home, but I have adjusted and re-calibrated and I'm focused on some new things. And really stay tuned for hopefully a mini course here coming up within the next week or so that can really help you guys. Hmm. He used to the adjustment for those of you that used to work in an office and are working at home and are around different people, a lot of our environment has trained and at the end of this, the world is not going to go back to the way it was before.
It might try. It might get similar, but there's going to be differences in how we operate as a species. For one, I'm excited about a lot of the innovation that this event is driving. It's unfortunate that it takes something as disastrous and catastrophic as this to do that boat versus humans, and we've survived a lot in the past.
And I know we're going to survive this and come out on the other side of it. And I'm excited to see that teacher role to see all of the change that just went from, okay, we were evolving as a society to boom, we need to adjust now, and we're designed to do that. So for me, that's, that's how I'm looking at all this.
That's how I'm choosing to view the situation. But it's definitely difficult. I struggled working from home for the first week. It takes a lot to get into that mindset. So putting on a workshop for another group, I am putting together a mini course that will be free during this time of just how to recalibrate, how to adjust and change some things in your environment in just a few lessons with some worksheets to really help people get clear.
On who they are and who they need to be at their best self to navigate the new reality of their lives. Some more. To follow on that, I'll probably promote that a little bit more and go into a little bit more next week. But for today, people skills, and I mentioned it before, but the first thing you think of, and that exists when dealing with people.
Is the topic of influence. Now, some people's definition of influence instantly can jump negative. Other people don't really have a definition. Other people think it's the these people on Instagram that help make other people money. At the end of the day, influence is really just having an effect on somebody else's behavior.
Having an effect on their character having an effect on maybe their actions since as simple as that, there's nothing negative or positive about it. Influences just that is just influence. Now, here's where we get into trouble because dealing with people involves manipulation. Again, not the negative context, but in a sense.
If you are a skilled communicator and you are using your skills to influence somebody else, there is a level of manipulation there. So they're not trying to demonize it, but it comes back to intent. If you have a noble intent with what you're trying to do and you're trying to better the outcome for both parties or your team.
Or more than yourself, the focus is on a greater good or sometimes your self. If you're in a really bad place and you need to speak up for yourself, it's all about the intense. So please keep that in mind when we go through. This is the most important thing is to have a pure and noble intent when influencing or persuading or communicating at all with people.
And so when. We're going to talk about today is conflict resolution. So Brendan presented a framework at the seminar and I morphed it a little bit, and I've seen this framework before. So it's definitely used throughout the industry. And if you Google conflict resolution frameworks, you're going to get a ton of stuff from in-depth, too vague company, like do this at work kind of things.
So. I encourage you to go out and look for something, but we'll go through one here that I think is really good that he uses that's more one-on-one but can be used in multiple environments. And I think this is a way that you can take this model and kind of more fit to fit your needs is really what makes it great.
Other ones tend to be a little bit more straightforward. When I was doing my research for this, so we've got to start with. You know, looking at the conflict in general and then looking at what people really are sad about, right? From an, you know, we're dealing with complex, so people are sad. There are, we have three different things that we, three different categories that we break down competently.
And so that's the process, the outcome and the feeling. And so the big emphasis for this one was the process. And the process is how people feel throughout all of this. You know, before the conflict even started ramping up to that and truly treating other people like people and taking their feelings into consideration.
Because at the end of the day, everybody wants to feel heard, seen, and respected. And it's pretty basic for all of us, right? No matter how we're communicating, whether it's at work, whether. It's one on one with a friend, whether it's in your family, we all want to feel that you feel needed and a part of that community.
And so that's the process. So usually that's the moneymaker of conflict resolution. As long as you people feel heard, seen, and respected, a lot of times. You know, that's what it takes for me. If you hear me, if I have an idea or something like that, and that's taken into consideration in a conversation, even if we don't go to that idea, as long as it was acknowledged and been like, Hey, like let's do that, maybe that won't work with this, and it's just discuss, man, I feel great.
Even if we don't go with that. I'm like, okay. Yeah. We walked through that and then like me stepping outside of my own ego, I can look around and be like, Oh yeah, that didn't make sense. This way is way better. Or even if I do. I'm more likely to be on board with the decision. I don't agree with to try it out because one, it obviously wasn't my decision in this scenario anyway, and then two, it like I was acknowledged for the idea, you know, Hey, that and maybe we can try it another time.
This is how I want to do this. Like we all have bosses. There's a hierarchy to a lot of companies for a reason. And so while. We all should be practicing extreme ownership. Like we've got to look at the different ways and levels that we can influence them. The next category is outcome. That's pretty straight forward.
It's the desire, goal, or change. What are we in conflict about? What is the outcome? Should we turn life there? Should we turn right? Like everybody, you know, you might be in disagreement. Let's try to get in agreement on the outcome. Usually everybody, especially in companies. The goal is to remind people that we're on the same team and that the outcome really needs to be for the benefit of the company and not for like what our opinions are at the time.
And the final category is failing and the feeling is really after the fact. How do you feel after the negotiation? So you want to think about that beforehand. How do you want to feel walking away from that? A lot of this centers around. Having hard conversations. And right now some conflict resolution might be coming in, especially at home, cause it's where a lot of us are confined to and with our loved ones in our families.
Maybe we haven't had a conversation for weeks or maybe we haven't had a conversation for months that we need to have. And I want to urge you to take this and use this attitude toolbag but have the hard conversation because I don't know if you're like me and I have something important that I need to talk to somebody about.
Man, that conversation happens 50 times before 8:00 AM like it happens in the shower. It happens in the car on the way to work. It happens when I'm getting stuff ready to leave the house. That happens when I'm in the gym. Like that conversation haunts me. And so it's what forces me. I'm like, man, I gotta get this out of my head.
Like let's just talk about it like the, we might be on different pages, and that's what scares me the most as man. I hate conflict and addressing it, but you have to stand up for yourself. And that was part of my. Journey and growing up and gaining some maturity over the years was learning to have those hard conversations.
And it's funny, probably eight times out of 10 it was a simple miscommunication or a simple misunderstanding. And the other two times, yeah, we might've disagreed, but since it was all on the table, we disagreed knowing things. Very rarely has it led to any traumatic. Outcome that wasn't already an inkling of like when you have some of these conversations and they go completely bad, you probably knew that they were going to go completely bad before this complex.
Now with that in mind, he things on topic where people keep score. We do it. Just automatically, you know, you try not to put me, I have what I feel like is a pretty good memory. So when I get into conflict with somebody, boom, all that emo floods to my head, even though like I don't bring stuff up because a lot of it doesn't bother me.
It's not like it's there as building resentment, but it's just there as data and we use it. You can't do that. Like focus on the present conflict now. And you get those small wins they want make the past things go away because it's all going to pass them. It doesn't matter. And two, you start and if you do this more and more recently, it helps your communication, especially in relationships, to be more transparent, more in the moment and faster to where these things aren't sitting there festering.
Like they tend to. Then in my share of relationships that that had these problems and I always felt myself getting frustrated about things, but those things were really symptoms of a bigger issue because I wasn't following this format. So here we go. This is eight steps, and the first one is, before you start in other wins, what does winning look like for each party?
What does winning look like for the team at work? How has that outcome. And some of that winning for the team at work again falls back to that process. Um, higher level manager makes a decision and it completely throws off the direction that the team was filling. And really they just need to be heard, like verb cool.
Like we all work for this company. I'm recalled changing directions with the company. Well, we just want to be acknowledged because really we were working in this direction and now we have to go in this direction. It makes the team feel like the work in this direction wasn't value added, and so they don't feel respected and they don't feel like they contributed to the company and everybody wants to feel like they contribute.
Obviously in a one-on-one or in a relationship. you gotta know the wins because you're trying to do this stuff together. All right. Step two is frame the positive. Now this isn't. Be overly positive, just to be overly positive. That's not what we're trying to do. It's really about creating the better reality.
Think about a future when this conflict is resolved and everybody is happy, you will focus on that feeling outcome, so dealing and outcome. So you know, whatever the desired goal is. Do you guys feel good or do you. On the same sheet of music is the team feeling good and part of the company. So create that reality and look at how once we get through this conflict, how much better things could be, no matter what.
Like don't put bring any judgment into this. That's not what this is for. Just focus on how things will be resolving. Accomplish. Everybody wants to get past conflict for the most part. All right? Next step is what is observed. All right? Again, no judgment and you're not allowed to talk about feelings in this one.
You just talk about what happened, and again, we're keeping this on the current topics, so something the most recent or recently or whatever is bugging you right now. It can't be, well, the last four times over three years that this happened. It needs to be here and now, Hey, this made me, you know, this is what happened.
Tamp. See, I almost went into feelings on that one. It's tough to split these two up to start with just the observable, Hey, this is what was said and this is what happened. Just throw out the facts. That way everybody is still on the same sheet of music. Then you go to the next step, ensure what you felt.
Again, stay on topic. The certainly specific, don't get bagged. He go back to what you observed. Hey, when you said this, I felt this. And and try not to use the you cause as soon as you put you in there, that puts somebody on the defensive. So one this list said is a better way to approach that. Another side note here is.
Try not to just ask why. Sometimes these conversations go end up sidelining and going deeper and having different conversations that that's okay. Sometimes, especially in a more intimate setting, when you end up talking about stuff, quote, why subconsciously puts people on the defense and you'll notice in high performance coaching, my coaching practice.
If you get to experience that, none of our coaches ask why that much. We don't use it. We're trained not to use it and it, it puts you on the defensive and you don't want, coaching is a journey with somebody you don't want them on the defensive. Conflict resolution is a journey with people for a like outcome.
You want to have a good outcome for everybody. You want to feel good. You want to be respected about it. You don't need to be doing things to put people on the defensive. That's why we're using this framework. All right? That's kind of the beginning. That really sets the stage. Now you're getting in to being a little bit more candid, request the change and why.
So here's your catering why you did the work, and step one to know what winning is for each party. So bring that in. Use that data. To one circle around to one show that you're paying attention and you value the person you give them that process one and two. Now focusing on the outcome is, you know, requesting that change.
Hey, what if we tried this way? What if we did this? This could make us both feel this way. What if we, and then this is a collaborative effort, like let's try to get ideas going, generate some ideas. On how to resolve the conflict. It doesn't matter who came up with the idea and then at the end, again, if you're facilitating this, you're the educated one.
You have that burden of responsibility or opportunity over responsibility to walk through this. You have to give a win. Are they feeling heard? Are they feeling seen? Are they feeling respected? Are you doing things? Is this working well? Give them a win. You know, sometimes some will compliment and then the next step, thank them for participating.
Cause no matter how it ended, you need to look because essentially step five, you know, requesting the change in Y kinda is the conclusion before the conclusion. You're like you're solving the conflict there. Ideally. Hey, this is a chain. You get that. That's when you want to settle on something and then boom, like that's when you Simon that win and at the end you reward their participation because they're doing it.
And now you might take this and write it down. It might be awkward and maybe like, Hey, can we work through this? I think this might help us get to a better resolution faster. Like it can be clunky and awkward if you've never done it before. So reward, participate. Like just having those hard conversations.
Yeah. It's freeing at the end, even if it's not necessarily the outcome you had hoped for, a lot of it's free and just to get it out of your head. So reward that because this is difficult for everyone. A lot of times when you need to have these hard conversations, both parties know that these conversations need to happen.
It's a reward that. Like it's awesome to do that and then finally end on a positive note. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, and on a positive note. Super important. You're dealing with people. People deserve again, to be heard, seen, and respected. I don't think any of us wish, truly wish at all on others, especially over a lot of the main complex that we deal with on a day to day basis or.
Month to month basis, depending on how much you're having these conversations and dealing with things in your life, but we don't really know. We might disagree on things and ideas, but we're all still people and there's seven and a half billion of us. Like there's the dichotomy there. This is what I say when I speak all the time.
I'm human, connects me with 7.5 billion other humans on the planet, plus the few that are on the ISS. And it also means I'm unique, individually unique. There's nobody else like me. They're not going to agree on everything with people. It's insane to think that you would, but you can at least respect them as an equal, be an equal human.
All right, so conflict resolution. Step one, let's know the wins. Step two was framed the positive. So three of us, what is observed? Step four is. Sharing your feelings. Step five was requesting the change and then sticking the Y. Cause I remember the why is really what solidifies and chain give them a win.
That seven was reward participation. And then finally and positive, like that's a standard you need to uphold. And that's it guys. That's conflict resolution. A lot of this leads into, we talked about earlier is this is influence and persuasion. And you can get this stuff right a few times, but if you don't think through these things beforehand, especially when you're trying to persuade somebody, like you're inciting emotion, you're, you're Helen stories, you're digging deeper and you're communicating at that advanced level.
You might be good a few times, but if you don't practice and prep. You're not going to consistently do well. So this is really important and some of it's innate, but a lot of it is skill and the skill becomes learned over time and you get better at it and it happens almost automatically. But before you know this and before you start running through this stuff, it's not automatic at all.
To take the time and do some of this work and dig in. The recommendation this week. This is more beginner class for this, but it's an amazing book. I've read it twice just to brush up over the past two or three years. It's called captivate by Vanessa van Edwards. She created the school of people and wrote this book, and I love how it's split up.
It's split up into three big sections. It's the first five minutes, and that's . You know how to read a room, like she tells you where the best place to stand at a cocktail party is and the reasons behind it. You're looking at micro-expressions, which is a little bit more advanced class, but it's good information to know, especially if you pick up on it, because people are really, you know, really hard at it, covering those up.
You know, once you know the person. So the expression does have to align to the person. We have social norms, but I'd take that into consideration. The power of person pressures and how innately, biologically we react to somebody instantaneously. You never know when you get a bad feeling about somebody.
Where that comes from. Just talks about that a little bit. The next one is the first five minutes. Wait, the first one was the first five minutes. The next one is the first five hours, so that's more light conversation on talking through some of that, and then she finishes with the section of the first five days, which is more.
Relationship building, talking through some leadership and how to do that, and then gets into some intimacy a little bit and how have some of those romantic conversations and how to see when somebody's turned on. Um, so some exciting stuff and it's a really great book. I promote things, prefer the audio books, so that's what I did.
And listen to her read that twice. And I have taken a few of her courses, so it's definitely helped me. And just my own communication skills and I would say if you haven't looked at people skills or intentionally done any education on this, that I would highly recommend checking that book out. All right, well that's it for today.
Again, please stay safe out there. Keep an eye out for the mini course I'm launching. That is going to be free, but it will be a full on course for you with worksheets and everything that's going to kind of. Guide you through a process to adjust, especially especially, especially if you went from working at an office and now are teleworking, working virtual office, working from home, and you have the kids around.
Your environment has changed. The people you interact with on a day to day basis has changed. You're spending more time in different areas. You have to deal with us and you might have goals. That you made just a few months ago at the beginning of the year that are now derailed because of this, and I want you to capitalize and still keep the momentum of the beginning of the year and not let all of that momentum go to social media or go to Netflix or go to places that aren't going to serve your life.
To stay tuned for that. As always. Talking about this stuff and having the conversation is really what fuels me. So if you enjoyed this, please subscribe to the channel. Videos are like this every week, usually on Tuesdays, and this is at the beginning. This channel is going to expand. Go find me on Facebook, Instagram.
I'm trying to post a lot more content, especially with me being stuck inside too. This is really how I get my social interaction is engaging with y'all. So if you need that right here and I'll see you next week.
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